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May 27, 2007
is it easier to trod on the same path after the first? does it apply to everything? the shorter return route from parnell triggered a series of thoughts and memories.. how has it been? despite the physical distance all this while, has anything changed? i have made myself the prisoner of the one-man cell that i have constructed. trapped within the four brickwalls. by the bricks that i have laid piece by piece. how long do i want to be in this. it comes back. imagine the gasps for air as you tear when you run. it was and is suffocating. literally and metaphorically. it was absolutely random.. was it? i was thinking of the gifts to get for everyone and the question of getting you one surfaced. should i? how to? i knew what i would get for you the very moment i applied for sep in auckland. but things have changed and it has became a matter of should or should not. if i did, how am i supposed to pass it to you? what kind of facade should i put on? pretend that i have gotten over everything and act friendly? or pour out every single thing that went through my mind. i recalled the plot that i told sam about. all the pretence in hope for something else. scheming. silly. receiving another rejection is the last thing i want. why would you want to put yourself in that vulnerable state again? i dont have an answer for that. i want an answer myself. or do i have the answer in the first place? why would i want to do that. why. if i have a chance to choose what i want to do with memories, what would i do? erase them? no. i treasure it and i am thankful that you were part of this. but it is painful.. too painful. please freeze it and safekeep it in a chest. i will savour every bit of it years down the road. not now. i just to be happy. like an innocent child... sitting on the merry-go-round and doing a pan-kiss every time i see momo. chuckling at the little actions that momo does. .. the simple pleasures. bent on finding the 6km mark during my run this afternoon, i went further than usual only to find that it was less than 10 metres from where i stopped the previous time. the end was so near but it seemed so far back then. had i not continued running, i would never know how close i was to the end that i was looking for. am i next to the exit?
or am i walking around in circles, groping in the dark? numbed, i ran on another 1 km to mission bay. how far can i push myself? what is all these imprisonment about? one fine morning, i will to wake up to find all shackles gone. released. when will that be? Posted by dew at |
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