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October 31, 2007
sweet and innocent.. remember the times.. when a candy makes you smile..  when you have the luxury of having the whole sky to yourself..  when you pose for the camera during one of those family excursions..  when you mess up mo's kitchen..  when you were so tiny..  when you gave me a big warm hug..  when you celebrated my birthday for me (and cant stop staring at my cake)..  when you had those fluffy things sticking out of your hair and was still very happy about it..  when your room reminds you of your childhood plush toys..  when someone still treats you like a big kid.. (kids' size vitasoy..how cute is that!!)  when you are accompanied by your lovelies to bed..  we seek happiness.. but little do we realise that anxiety drives it even further away from us.. the little happiness in life.. accumulates. Posted by dew at
October 20, 2007
trapped within the four walls, she screamed for the conscious mind desperately. 'get me out of here.. please.. rationality.' 'keep the senses in control.' 'there is no peace within an unrest soul; and without peace, there is no happiness.' having little understanding of the source of unrest, frustration grew. 'perhaps, with isolation, the people around me will be spared from the agony of putting up with my nonsense,' she thought. the effectiveness of the measure was unknown.. ..but she was certain that she did not want to be the second person to go cranky after her. watching her, she resonated the hideousness of moodswings. 'i dont want to walk down the same path.' how true they are. "When we commit to action, to actually doing something rather than feeling trapped by events, the stress in our life becomes manageable." "When we change our perception we gain control." “The perfect no-stress environment is the grave." while she sought happiness and attempted to make herself cheery, she was a captive of her own thoughts. visualising the smiles that cuddly soft toys would bring her, she bought russ. it was an impulse purchase, she admitted. 'but russ would be a delightful sight! nothing beats a smile!' make someone happy, the tag wrote. 'you will make me happy, will you?' *hugs*  however, russ didnt look as happy as she has imagined when she got home. 'why are you upset, russ? why... ?' she broke down and teared. she knew very well what was happening. her needs were perceived. 'i need something to cheer me up.. a soft toy would do the job.. i need to get out of the house.. away from the heaps of work. i need to shop! ..everyone else could do whatever they want to. i want to do that too. that is freedom. that is heaven.. i am in hell!' while she knew that these were never going to work for they were never the root of the issue, she made desperate attempts to deceive herself. what a pathetic worm. as she sat in for her morning lesson, she laughed briefly as the tutor lectured on the topic of conflict. 'there are many levels of conflict and intra-individual conflict is a very real issue.. frustration occurs when he/she is unable to satisfy his/her need.. ...' how ironic. 'a customised analysis of myself. ha. how apt.' snap out of it! 'regain control, change your perceptions!' the conscious mind warns. Posted by dew at
October 18, 2007
after seeing her personal message '1 board - 5 hours', i felt bad. i could have been more tolerant and more understanding. though she can be a bit pushy at times, it is probably understandable. one who invests time and effort in his/her work will naturally take pride in it. ..regardless how the others see it. blessed with different capabilities, the time invested and product outcome could be disproportionate. is it fair to judge? who am i to judge? sigh. i should curb my temper. ..shortfuse. should i change my perception as well? the act of 'accepting nothing less than perfect' is tormenting the soul. shouldn't life be lived and enjoyed? what is enjoying it? what does it mean to live life? hinging happiness on a perfect outcome.. how does it sound? happy?..for reaping the fruits of your labour. depressing? ..for life is never perfect. life is a matter of choices. it really is. having the best of both worlds... is a mere utopia. Posted by dew at
October 11, 2007
omg, I am on cloud no. 9!! I am so free! can you tell??! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!! fucked up! why do you think that i am very free just becos' someone else is free?! why do you like to make things sound so damn freaking easy and give me the weird 'really need so long' look??!?!!!!!!! AND best of all, why did i even let you affect me?!?! why do i even let you make me feel so small and useless!?!?! wake up that idea!!! the mood is taking a rollercoaster ride! woohoooo!OOO!!! go and die! let's look at this. 21 September - Changing Landscapes of Singapore Exercise Submission 24 September - Practice and Research Project Submission 01 October - Changing Landscapes Test 08 October - Cities in Transition Test 15 October - Behavioural Studies Project Submission 18 October - Behavioural Studies Project Presentation 19 October - Human Resource Management Presentation 23 October - Cities in Transition Project Submission & Presentation 26 October - Human Resource Management Report 29 October - Changing Landscapes Project Submission and that actually excludes the test and project submission due in november, the super long project discussions and my dissertation work which i am supposed to be doing?! (yah right.. dont even have time to sleep! do what shit. oh yes, i am a slow worker. i forgot all about it. i deserved it. so sorry about it. %#%^*I@*&$@*# ) to think that i have actually told my supervisor that i will get my chapter 1 all done up with research questions prepared by 29 October (after dragging my chapter 1 submission since mid september). i am digging my own grave. if they are too little, tell me know. a useless person shouldnt be depriving the oxygen intake from another newborn. Posted by dew at
October 06, 2007
'..do you know who we are praying to in front of the clay figure?'... '..the greater one in ourselves..' ..overheard this when i was eating in the living room this morning. dad was watching this chinese historical based drama about kangxi emperor and that was part of the conversation between the emperor and his assistant. i know little if not nothing of any religious teachings. however, i do agree with that on a personal note. i might be cynical in rejecting the existence of greater beings.. perhaps, i am only selecting statements and ideas that reinforce my perception. but what difference does it make? ultimately, we cannot be relying on someone else all the while, can we? we pray for strength to overcome our fears..but what is fear? why are there self improvement courses? what is the difference between one who is confident and one who is not? what makes us confident? what gives us strength? what is a belief? John Milton: The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven Vita Sackville-West: I worshipped dead men for their strength, forgetting I was strong. Victor Hugo: People do not lack strength, they lack will. Audre Lorde: When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. stress will be or rather, is a common word for this semester and the next. in fact, it has always existed. albeit, the following holds true. the power of the mind..perception. if i have conceded mentally, what battle is left for me to fight? Harvey Cushing: The capacity of man himself is only revealed when, under stress and responsibility, he breaks through his educational shell, and he may then be a splendid surprise to himself no less than to this teachers. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Training gives us an outlet for suppressed energies created by stress and thus tone the spirit just as exercise conditions the body. Posted by dew at |
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